Telepathic Wolves and Flamboyant Italian Vampires
by Velvet Liquor
Summary: Bella is a zombie, Stephenie Meyer's car is stolen, and Edward's vampire family members finally get their screen time.


New Moon: A Parody

New Moon: A Parody

Bella: (Looks into the mirror) I feel old. I think I need some Botox, or something.

Edward: You're not old, Bella. Those little lines under your eyes make you look cute.

Bella: --

(On their way to Edward's house)

Bella: I told you I didn't want to celebrate my birthday!

Edward: Dude, you're getting older. Get over it.

Bella: Well, why can't I be turning like, twelve instead of eighteen?! Then I'd be happy to get older.

Edward: Because then I'd be considered a pedophile, Bella.

Narrative Bella: So I don't want to get older. Big deal. But I know Edward wouldn't ever leave me, even if I was four hundred sixty-three, right? Right?! Why won't you answer me?!

(Edward's house)

Bella: Hi, Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, Emmet, Alice, and Jasper, my adopted vampire family!

Carlisle: Well, I missed my cameo in the first parody, so here goes. (Strikes a pose)

Esme: So, just how _do _I pronounce my name?

Rosalie: So, Edward chose the whiney little fagtard over me, but it's not like I care, or anything…(Flips Bella off)

Emmet: I feel unloved…

Alice: Bella, you're thinking nasty thoughts about Edward again…

Jasper: I'm emo!! (Cries in a corner)

Edward: Bella, I've got a birthday present for you! (Plays a song for Bella, but it's just the tune of "Yankee Doodle", but with Edward's own lyrics:

Bella is my only love

I will never leaver her (Lie)

Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!!

Bella: How romantic, Edward!

Narrative Bella: You know, when I let Jessica listen to my lullaby, she said it was just "Yankee Doodle", but with Edward's lyrics. (She's just jealous though, because my eye candy doesn't have boobs)

Carlisle and Esme: Bella, here's tickets to go see your mother!

Rosalie: I already flipped you off, that's more than you deserve, biznitch!

Bella: 0o

Emmet: I bought you a new radio for your car! (Receives a bitchy look from Rosalie) But I'm not going to install it, because I really don't feel like sleeping on the couch tonight…

Alice: I bought you this expensive set of lingerie nightwear! (Holds out a skimpy bra and thong)

Bella: (Continues with her nasty thoughts)

Edward: xx

Narrative Bella: All of their gifts were great. Well, except for Jasper's, who thought it was appropriate to give me a large bottle of his tears 0o. However, the trouble started when I accidentally cut myself with a plastic spork (Don't ask _how _it happened), and then…

Jasper: Blood!

Bella: Oh noes!

Fan girls: Oh nose! No, Jasper, don't kill Bella! (Obviously they haven't realized that Bella _can't _die, because she's narrating the story)

Haters: Yes! Die, Bella, die! (Obviously these are the _dumb _haters, as they too have not seemed to have grasped the fact that Bella isn't going to die, because the book is in first person narrative)

Narrative Bella: But Edward saved me (Again). After Jasper's blood lust had died down, he went back to his corner to refill my jar of his tears, which had apparently spilled when I fell. So, in order to escape the jar of doom, I told Edward to take me home)

(In the forest)

Edward: Bella, I'm leaving you.

Bella: Ha! Nice one, Edward!

Edward: No, I'm serious. I hate your fugly face, and I _especially _hate pudding! (Leaves)

Bella: Noooooooooooo!! (Dies inside)

June:

Bella: Waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

July:

Bella: Boo-fucking-hoo!

August:

Bella: (Sob)

September:

Bella: (Sniffle)

October:

Bella: (Snoring, but wakes up in a confused state, then remembers why she is so pissed and emo at the moment) W-w-w-waaaaahhhhhhh!!

November:

Bella: (Charlie randomly walks in front of the camera, then walks off) Ugh.

(Cafeteria)

Lauren: Bella is a zombified biznitch.

Jessica: I soooo totally agree with you!

Bella: The sad thing is, I agree with you too…

Mike: Holy shit!! It talks!! (Starts poking Bella with a fork)

Bella: (Knees Mike in the stones) Well, I'm over what happened now, and it only took me half a year to realize that all I had to do was _pretend _that I'm over it, even if I'm really not. So, anyone want to go see a movie?

Mike: (Gasping for breathe) That depends, am I going to lose my manhood by the end of the movie?

Bella: That depends, are you going to hit on me all night?

Mike: Probably. (Receives another kick in the balls)

Lauren: No way, you tramp!

Jessica: I agree with my eye candy.

Bella: 0o

Mike: Sure, I'll go with you, Bella. (Covers his happy place)

(Native American Resort)

Bella: I dig motorcycles now, Jake.

Jake: I dig 'em too! (Mutters under breathe) But not as much as I dig you…

Bella: So, wanna go to the movies with me?

Jake: Sure.

Bella: Let's ride, biznitch!

(Bella hears Edward's voice)

Bella: Sweet! Maybe if I just put myself in more life-threatening danger, I can hear Edward's voice again! (Twitch)

Jake: 0o

(Movies)

Mike: (Grumbles) Damn Indian…(Throws up)

Jake: Haha! What a wimp! Oh, now I feel like crap too…(Drives off)

Bella: Uh, hello?! How the fuck am I supposed to get home?!

(Bella's house)

Jake: We can't be friends, Bella.

Bella: Why not?!

Jake: Because…(Insert the most intense dramatic pause of all time) I'm a werewolf!

Bella: Gasp!

Fan girls: Gasp!

Haters: What's next, unicorns?!

(Meadow)

Bella: Edward, why the hell did you leave me?!

Narrative Bella: Now, this is where the plot thickens…

Haters: What plot?! For the past three hundred pages, you've been a heartbroken zombie!

Narrative Bella: (Glares at the haters) My therapist told me not to listen to you guys…

Laurent: Hello, Bella.

Bella: Go away, and take your stupid French accent with you! Edward left! Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

Laurent: Oh, really? In that case, I'll just kill you and take your corpse to my beloved Victoria.

Bella: Eh.

(Suddenly, werewolves chase and kill Laurent)

Bella: Damn.

(Skip to Victoria)

Victoria: What?! She killed Laurent! Ooh, that little bitch is going down!

(Bella jumps off a cliff, and Jake pulls her out of the water)

Jake: WTF?!

(Bella's house)

Jake: He's gone, Bella. You have to get over him. Now, kiss me, you fool!

(Bella and Jake are about to share a passionate kiss, but suddenly, Alice pops up from behind the couch)

Alice: You're alive, Bella! Well, anyway, let's go save Edward from the Volturi!

Bella: Volturi?

Alice: Yeah, he wants to commit suicide because he thought you committed suicide. It's like Romio and Juliet, huh?

Jake: Yeah, except Juliet's a dumb-ass, and Romio's a pretty-boy vampire.

(Italy)

Alice: (Steals a car) I sure hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the ass…

Bella: Oh, I'm sure you'll be fine.

(They drive off. A woman walks out, only to discover that her car is missing)

Stephenie Meyer: Where the fuck's my car?!

(Edward's about to walk into the sunlight and (Oh, the horror!) glitter)

Bella: Edward!

Edward: Am I in heaven?

Bella: No! I'm alive, Edward!

Volturi: Come with us.

(Volturi lair)

Aro: Hello, everyone! I hope you're all happy to be here!

Narrative Bella: I've never met a homosexual vampire before, but I'm pretty sure Aro fall into that category.

Aro: And yes, Bella, I am gay.

Bella: Wait. I thought I was immune to your powers?

Aro: Oh, you are, but everyone else seems to think that about me, so I kind of figured you would too.

Bella: Oh, well, yeah, I do that about you.

Aro: Anyway, if you're not a vampire before the next time we see you, we're going to kill you. Ciao!

Narrative Bella: Well, that's a comforting thought.

(Edward's house)

Bella: Well, you heard Aro, turn me into a vampire!

Edward: Hell no.

Rosalie: Fuck no.

Emmet: Yes! (Receives another bitchy look from Rosalie)

Jasper: Nooooooooo!! (Starts crying)

Alice: Hell yes!

Esme: Of course, Bella!

Carlisle: Eh, why not?

Bella: Ha! Majority rules, bitch! (Sticks her tongue at Edward and spits at him)

Edward: (Is not amused)

Fin


End file.
